I found myself on Wednesday full of anxiety, overwhelmed, on the verge of panic, stuck in a gut wrenching state most of the day. I kept thinking to myself, “Where are your skills woman?” Resisting the feeling of falling down. As I laid in bed that night, mind racing, I finally recognized, “Oh girl you just had a battle of willfulness, and that feeling of falling is an urge for you to surrender.” My anxiety and panic manifesting as my will to resist my reality and my attempt to force an outcome. My will or ego is what injured me the most. I had to surrender my will. Surrendering for me is to come back to the moment, so I did a meditation before bed, I prayed for the highest good and relinquished my tight grasp on what I thought would be best and reminded myself everything will happen exactly as it should and that I will find peace no matter what in the outcome, because peace is my perception of the moment. This is an example of willingness vs. willfulness one of my favorite Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills (DBT). Afterwards I slept so well. Woke up feeling good and the thing I was so stressed about? Worked out beautifully. Thanks Universe you really do have my back! 

I have found through a deep search of my own soul that suffering is part of the human condition and is an integral part of what leads us to purpose and meaning. I believe that our ego is suffering and is always trying to take control. It can manifest as our willful nature to see things go our way, it is ignorance, it inferiority and superiority. Most of us only identify with ourselves as our ego, totally disconnected from our spirit. Our spirit is unmarked, joyful and exists as the eternal observer. We were meant to have contact with that, living in the joyous baseline of our own spirit. That is what I mean when I say you were meant for happiness. I know this because through my own search for myself I have uncovered my spirit–My baseline of joy. 

My ego will always be with me and thus, I will always know suffering in some way. I have learned how to mute ego, identify ego and distract ego so that I can resume my birthright of inner peace, that is until ego rears its head again, masked in yet another clever disguise. To return to happiness is perceiving happiness and depression differently. I don’t think of happiness and depression as being either/or I think of them as both/and. We are meant for happiness, happiness and joy are our baseline, however happiness cannot exist without suffering. My quest is to help people see that this polarity exists in us all and to befriend the dark, the shadow of ourselves. Clinging desperately to light at all times is not sustainable .

To befriend darkness is to recognize it as a catalyst for happiness not an agitator. Suffering isn’t our enemy, our response to it is.